The power of the numbers
For most of my life I let the numbers on the scale have so much power over me. They decided if I was going to have a good day, a bad day or somewhere in between. If the numbers were lower than expected, I had a "great day" because I felt better about myself and walked around with my head held high. "The scale said I am a good girl, therefore it must be true."
If the numbers stayed the same or were about what I expected them to be, I would have a "so-so day". I wasn't too elated or excited in general and felt like while I wasn't worthless, I could definitely be doing better.
But if those numbers went up (and Lord, did they ever do that), my day was wasted. I spent the entire time obsessing over how much of a failure I was. I couldn't possibly be fit to walk on the planet with others who were a normal weight or those who didn't struggle with weight (food!) issues at all. The entire day was devoted to either completely pigging out because I felt like there was no hope for me - or starvation as punishment. There was no middle ground, no sanity.
Today, I realize that I am the same person I went to bed as the night before, the same person I woke up as ... after I get on the scale, no matter what those numbers say. I don't let the numbers determine my destiny, my mood, my ability (or lack thereof) to function. I measure my worth on a far greater scale these days: my behavior, my emotional, spiritual and physical sobriety are all much bigger indicators of how I am as a person than what any number on a scale could ever be.
Granted, when those numbers go down today, I still get excited. Lifetime habits don't die over night. But, I try to keep it in perspective. The numbers going down simply mean that I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing and that my food plan is working. That's all. The numbers going up means I need to take a look at my food consumption - have I been sloppy in weighing and measuring? Have I been going out to eat a lot? Have I been making higher calorie choices more often than not? I realize I need to make adjustments and make plans to do so - and I go on with my day. It's such a liberating thing.
And so I don't subject myself to possible insanity too often, I only weigh myself once a month. This way I have an indicator of how I'm doing on my food plan and don't get a chance to go in denial about any possible problems, and yet I don't spend too much time focusing on the weight either. The weight, just like the food, is just but a symptom.
Do the numbers on the scale have too much power over you?
