7 posts tagged “12 steps”
I was recently asked to speak at a retreat for one of my recovery programs. The speech needs to be one hour and focused on my recovery from compulsive eating story. The retreat is being held several states away, so I'd have to fly there and spend the weekend with people I've never met before. I was a bit undecided when first asked, so I talked to my sponsor and some program friends about it.
My sponsor directed me to the 5th Tradition which states, "Each group has but one primary purpose - to carry its message to the compulsive eater who still suffers." Once I read the entire text of the tradition, it became immediately clear to me that the only answer I could rightfully give was, "Yes".
I feel that I have a duty to carry the message of hope and recovery to other addicts now that I've been blessed with a reprieve. Maybe what I say will help just one person. If it does, then I've done my part.
So in a few weeks, I will be flying to another state to spend an entire weekend and share my true self with people I've never met before. I'm nervous, but mostly excited and looking forward to a new adventure.
So, I'm realizing I haven't done a lot with my 4th step this past week. I'm supposed to be giving it away this weekend and I'm only about 1/2 way finished. Gulp! Guess I need to get busy.
You know what's been holding me back? Perfectionism. I had the first format to follow in an Excel spreadsheet so I could just easily type in all of the info in the right places. For the second two sections, there is a slightly different format and I haven't taken the time to create the Excel template for it yet. God forbid I actually handwrite any of this stuff.
I think I posted about the Big Book Study I'm attending now, right? It's going well so far. In two weeks we did the first three steps and now we are tasked with the beginning of the 4th step to be completed by this Saturday. I made a commitment to write every day and so far, I haven't written anything. Oops. I seem to forget about this stuff until I go to bed and then I'm too exhausted to do anything about it. Convenient, no?
The first part of the 4th step in the format we're working with is to list everyone I have a resentment towards, why I have a resentment towards them and then list what it part of self was hurt or threatened. This should be an interesting list! I've done a pretty thorough 4th step once before, but that was about 4 years ago, so I do believe it's time for another one.
Spiritual house cleaning - here I come!
One of the things I hear a lot in my meetings is how people went to "treatment" and that's where they found AA. I'm glad that Alcoholism Information Treatment Centers are so prevalent these days so people can get help. When AA first started, there was no such thing. People suffered for long periods of time and were so much worse off in their disease than people today have to be. And that's a good thing.
I'm thinking about taking part in a "Big Book Study" for the next 5 weeks for my food addiction. This is basically an intense way to go through the steps using the Big Book of AA as a guide. I've never done a study like this, but I've heard a lot of good things about them. The only thing is, you're supposed to go with another person with the intent of giving away your 5th step at the end. That's all well and good, except one of my sponsees wants to go with me, so I guess she would give her 5th step to me and I wouldn't be giving mine to any one. I feel like I need to do that for my recovery right now.
We'll see what happens. I'm going to talk to her tonight and I'm going to be honest with her about that. I know she will be understanding. The other thing is, I might not find a sponsor there for me, though. I won't be going with one, so I'd need to find one when I get there. I'm just going to leave this up to HP and go with the flow. As if I had another choice. ;-)
One of my friends shared at a meeting recently that her kids told her she should join "Any Anonymous" because she's in so many 12-step groups. I can relate to that. I've probably got a seat in just about any recovery room out there - I'm an addict to the core.
It seems as if the group to join sort of goes in cycles - in my circles, anyway. Two years ago, it was Al-Anon that everyone just had to start going to. Last year it was Debtors Anonymous. I'm not knocking any of these fellowships by any means, I believe there are people with very serious problems that can be helped by these groups. And, like I said, I believe I could qualify as a member myself.
The thing that gets me thinking, though, is how much is enough? Do I have to start attending meetings for everything single addiction I qualify for? I'd have to quit my job, first of all, to even think about having enough time to do something like that. My strategy has been to focus on the real, core issues and addictions and attend those meetings. For me, if I don't go to meetings or do recovery work around the food, it starts to call to me and I know it wouldn't be long before I was off to the races. A very similar thing happens for me with alcohol. It seems to take a bit longer for the urge to drink to kick in than the urge to eat does - but it does come up when I ignore my recovery there for too long.
The main point I'd like to make, though, is that I feel all things need balance. If I'm spending too much time doing recovery work, whether it's attending meetings, talking on the phone, writing, etc. - I end up neglecting my work and my family. The converse is also true, of course. But, I'm noticed there seems to be a bit of pressure to go to as many meetings/fellowships as possible and I just don't feel that is any healthier than not attending meetings at all.
Ever since I did my 9th step, I've been pretty viligant about my actions so that I would have to make as few amends as possible going forward. Making amends is not a fun process - although it is cathartic - and I'd prefer to do it as little as possible. This week I made a gross error in judgment and paid for it with a guilty conscious big time. I told a lie to an insurance company, telling them I had more damage than i actually did in hopes to get more coverage from them and pay less out of my own pocket. As soon as I uttered the words, I got that tense feeling in my gut and knew I had made a mistake. It was a little too late to back out of it, though, so I was just all torn up inside.
I spoke to my sponsor about it, after much reluctance to do so and she suggested I start making plans to make amends in other ways: donating money to causes, etc. I hated that I did this to myself because I only recently finished making financial amends for my past behavior in much the same manner. I know, though, that if I didn't do something about this to make it right that it would erode away at my sanity and my serenity and possibly lead me down the path to relapse.
A funny thing happened yesterday: my insurance company notified me that my policy didn't cover any of the damages. I had to pay for everything myself! Instead of being upset or angry with this news, I was actually relieved. I felt a weight lift off my shoulders and knew that we'd find a way to pay for the damages ourselves without being dishonest about anything. As I went through our bills and other options, I did find a way to make it work. I slept like a baby last night - no coincidence there.
Lesson learned - hopefully. I don't want to go through that craziness again for a long, long time.
