18 posts tagged “addiction”
One of the things I hear frequently in the rooms of recovery is how we always need to be there when a fellow addict reaches out for help. We're cautioned to be compassionate, as the people calling are probably scared as hell and not sure if calling for help will really do anything. Since we're human, and it's a "volunteer" program, there's no way to make sure there will always be someone there when that phone rings.
That's why I'm always thrilled to see facilities for drug treatment that offer a hotline number. This means there are trained professionals on the other line, waiting to help an addict or their family when they're at rock bottom. This is such a crucial time that needs to be handled sensitively, so I am all for these types of operations. Whether they counsel people to get into a 12-step program or not, they're offering a way out of the hell of addiction, and that's the bottom line.
Disclosure
I was recently asked to speak at a retreat for one of my recovery programs. The speech needs to be one hour and focused on my recovery from compulsive eating story. The retreat is being held several states away, so I'd have to fly there and spend the weekend with people I've never met before. I was a bit undecided when first asked, so I talked to my sponsor and some program friends about it.
My sponsor directed me to the 5th Tradition which states, "Each group has but one primary purpose - to carry its message to the compulsive eater who still suffers." Once I read the entire text of the tradition, it became immediately clear to me that the only answer I could rightfully give was, "Yes".
I feel that I have a duty to carry the message of hope and recovery to other addicts now that I've been blessed with a reprieve. Maybe what I say will help just one person. If it does, then I've done my part.
So in a few weeks, I will be flying to another state to spend an entire weekend and share my true self with people I've never met before. I'm nervous, but mostly excited and looking forward to a new adventure.
I've been sick since Saturday - I left the retreat I was on briefly, but returned. I haven't posted this week because I've just been really out of it. I wanted to share with you some of the writing I did on my retreat. I led a writing workshop on Body Image. The following was written there.
Dear Body,
I love you and like you exactly as you are today. You are a vessel that gets me through my days and nights. You carry my soul. I love your smooth skin and your long limbs. I love your hair and your eyes. I love that you've adapted to suit all of my addictions. When I ate too much, you stretched your skin for me, even though it left nasty marks. When I got abstinent, you shed the excess weight as best as you could. I love that you've carried me around for 37 years without much complaint. I'm sorry for the abuse I put you through, both physical and mental. I'm sorry for not listening to your cues in so many areas like hearing you say, "I'm full," or "We should rest," and completely ignoring you. Thank you for not failing me even though by all rights, you probably should have. Dear Body, please forgive me.
We only had about 15 minutes to write and this was the second part of what I wrote, so it's somewhat incomplete. I'll have to finish it one day.
This weekend reinforced for me that alcoholism is a family disease. I think the scariest part of it is that even if the alcoholic gets better, the family members don't always follow suit and they end up being sicker than the alcoholic in the end.
The thing that happens to the family members is so insidious, so cunning, that most people aren't aware that there is a problem. There's a great analogy to illustrate what happens in an alcoholic home.
If you put a frog into a pan of boiling water, it will jump out faster than the eye can see. But if you put the frog into a pan of water that is the frog's body temperature and then slowly turn up the heat the frog will stay in the water -- even to the point of boiling alive. Why? Because the frog does not notice the gradual change in temperature.
From About.com
I don't want to go into too many more details... but this is just a big reminder for me about how important it is to stay on the path of recovery. My husband and I both are appreciating the power of recovery and the rewards it has brought to our household tonight.
I don't think a lot of my readers know what "doing a 4th step" entails, so as I was finishing up my questions in the Resentment Inventory portion of my 4th step, I thought I'd share with you the format I am following. Now you can get an idea of what a 4th step looks like. It's gut-wrenching, soul-seeking, rigorously honest, hard work to figure out some of the details, but it is oh-so-worth-it in the end.
I heard something not long ago that is so true - anyone who is afraid to do a 4th and 5th step has obviously never done one. I had a lot of fear surrounding my first 4th and 5th steps and I don't have that same fear today. I know the goodness that lies on the other side and I'm looking forward to it.
The format I'm following right now is broken down into 3 sections: Resentment Inventory, Fear Inventory and Sex Inventory. I am just finishing up the first one - the Resentment Inventory.
Here is the format - it's basically a grid of four columns that goes across the top of a page and you get to fill it out like a survey for every person you have a resentment towards. And if you're like me, you've got quite a list! Ha! (Page numbers reference pages/paragraphs in the Big Book.)
Column One: I listed people, institutions and principles with whom I am angry. (64:3) I am resentful at: (This includes grudges,regrets, envy, prejudices, and those we’re annoyed with, agitated by, or that “let us down”.)
Column Two: I asked myself why I am angry? (64:3) The Cause. (Do not minimize here or be
“spiritual” or nice. Allow yourself to be as critical, as judgmental or as petty as you feel.)
Column Three: In most cases it was found that the following was hurt, threatened, or interfered with.
These are all sub-columns to put a check mark in: Affects my: Self Esteem, Pocketbook, Security, Ambitions, Pride, Personal Relations, Sex Relations.
Column Four: Putting out of my mind the wrongs others had done, I resolutely looked for my own mistakes. Though a situation had not been entirely my fault, I try to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where had I been selfish, dishonest (with myself and others), self-seeking and frightened? Where was I to blame? (67:2) Included here might also be: 1-What are the actions I took or failed to take in relation to this resentment which resulted in harms to others or my own failure to grow, to develop, and to become secure in my own person? 2-Am I failing to spot and check my tendency to provoke or create a victim situation, and what’s in it for me if I remain the victim? In other words,where did I put myself in a position to be hurt, and how was I trying to play God?
And here is a sample column entry so you get an idea:
Column One: An extended family member
Column Two: For not taking more of an interest in my kids
Column Three: Check marks in these columns: Self Esteem, Pride, Personal Relations
Column Four: I have unrealistic expectations of what this type of family member should be doing and feeling. My expectations exceed their emotional limits and my judge and critic come out in a very bad way.
So you can see that it doesn't need to be elaborate or lengthy, although it certainly can be! My first 4th step was so wordy and long. My poor sponsor - she had to listen to me ramble for hours and hours. It's all good, though.
And there you have it - a little glimpse into the steps!
In the early days of AA, only alcoholics who had been through the wringer for years found any relief using their methods. In only a few years time, though, they started noticing people who weren't quite as sick as those old timers were when they came in - these newcomers were getting sober without having to hit the same bottoms. As time has gone on, programs for all sorts of other addictions have been founded and people young and old, severely sick and barely an addict started getting well.
Today there are even treatment centers devoted to nurturing addicts back to the path of recovery. Most of these centers have some sort of 12-step program in conjunction with their methods and it's heartwarming to me to know that all of these great opportunities exist because of AA. It's nice to know that there are Teen Drug Treatment centers ready and waiting for the kids who are in trouble today. I love Echo's philosophies - they focus on the emotional, physical, social, family, and spiritual aspects of the disease. This is important because addiction is never just about the substance that's being abused - that's mostly just a symptom of the underlying, larger problem at hand. If those underlying issues aren't addressed, the addiction doesn't have a good chance of going into remission.
One of the things I hear a lot in my meetings is how people went to "treatment" and that's where they found AA. I'm glad that Alcoholism Information Treatment Centers are so prevalent these days so people can get help. When AA first started, there was no such thing. People suffered for long periods of time and were so much worse off in their disease than people today have to be. And that's a good thing.
I was honest with my sponsor about my food over the past week and she told me that she thinks I had a slip. I'm not sure if I totally agree with her, but I do believe I was in a dangerous place.
Here's the deal - we ordered Chinese food a couple times and I got steamed chicken and broccoli with Szcheuan sauce on the side. The first time I had it, I felt okay and didn't feel like it had anything bad in it (sugar, flour, etc.). The next couple of times I had it, though, I felt like maybe there was something in there. It tasted "too good" and I felt weird afterwards. My body is pretty sensitive to those substances after not having them for so long.
After I was pretty sure the sauce wasn't clean, instead of throwing it away, I had it once again with other leftovers. My sponsor said that since I wasn't willing to throw it away, even knowing that it most likely wasn't clean is a slip. I did
not like hearing that at all!! I want to say, well if that's a slip, then I am changing my food plan. It's too rigid and it's too hard and forget it. I *think* that might be a bit of my disease talking though. I think the bottom line is I just want to be a normal eater. And the combination of the holidays and being sick lead me into a tailspin.
Let's hope the slippery slope is behind me for now - I've been clean as a whistle the past couple of days and I feel a lot better. Of course, I got a migraine last night and tonight. Maybe I need sugar in my life after all. HA!
I went to a happy hour on Friday night for a coworker who is leaving the company. I don't make a habit of going to any happy hours, as I just don't really have much business being in a bar. It's nice to know, though, that I don't have to be completely fearful of entering a bar. I can be there without feeling tempted to drink, which is just such a miracle.
I made some interesting observations while I was there - one in particular made me stop in my tracks. One of the coworkers' families were there for a surprise party for her aunt. Another aunt also showed up who happened to know another one of my coworkers. These two used to be really close friends in high school and drifted apart over the years. The one coworker was crying after seeing her and I got to notice right away how uncomfortable two of my other coworkers were by this. They both kept grabbing her drink and saying, "Here. Have a drink." They just couldn't handle someone having actual emotions and feelings. No wonder I used to suppress my feelings with food, alcohol and other substances my whole life - that's what society teaches us to do, really. It's just all the more dangerous for those with addictive personalities.
I was able to lend the sensitive coworker an ear and a shoulder as well as words to let her know that I thought it was great she was able to feel her feelings and not shove them down. I think she really appreciated my words. I wish someone would have said similar things to me many years ago.
I started my day at a gratitude meeting - we had 2 speakers and then "open sharing" for an hour. It was, as always, incredible. This is the 5th year in a row that I've started my Thanksgiving this way and I wouldn't start it any other way given a choice. Today was especially great because my whole "A-team" was there - I got to see all my girlfriends!
Today is also my 5th abstinent Thanksgiving. That means for 5 years now I haven't overeaten on Thanksgiving. I eat my regular portion sizes. It is such a freedom. I'm so grateful that I've found this way of life - I never knew I had a choice to do things differently. Today I'm not only so glad that I make different choices, I'm more glad to just know that I can make different choices.
My Thanksgiving feast today is the love and company of my family. I choose to fill my spirit up instead of my belly. It lasts a lot longer and feels a lot better.
