90 posts tagged “recovery”

One of the things I hear frequently in the rooms of recovery is how we always need to be there when a fellow addict reaches out for help. We're cautioned to be compassionate, as the people calling are probably scared as hell and not sure if calling for help will really do anything. Since we're human, and it's a "volunteer" program, there's no way to make sure there will always be someone there when that phone rings.

That's why I'm always thrilled to see facilities for drug treatment that offer a hotline number. This means there are trained professionals on the other line, waiting to help an addict or their family when they're at rock bottom. This is such a crucial time that needs to be handled sensitively, so I am all for these types of operations. Whether they counsel people to get into a 12-step program or not, they're offering a way out of the hell of addiction, and that's the bottom line.

Disclosure

I was recently asked to speak at a retreat for one of my recovery programs. The speech needs to be one hour and focused on my recovery from compulsive eating story. The retreat is being held several states away, so I'd have to fly there and spend the weekend with people I've never met before. I was a bit undecided when first asked, so I talked to my sponsor and some program friends about it.

My sponsor directed me to the 5th Tradition which states, "Each group has but one primary purpose - to carry its message to the compulsive eater who still suffers." Once I read the entire text of the tradition, it became immediately clear to me that the only answer I could rightfully give was, "Yes".

I feel that I have a duty to carry the message of hope and recovery to other addicts now that I've been blessed with a reprieve. Maybe what I say will help just one person. If it does, then I've done my part.

So in a few weeks, I will be flying to another state to spend an entire weekend and share my true self with people I've never met before. I'm nervous, but mostly excited and looking forward to a new adventure.

I've been sick since Saturday - I left the retreat I was on briefly, but returned.  I haven't posted this week because I've just been really out of it.  I wanted to share with you some of the writing I did on my retreat.  I led a writing workshop on Body Image.  The following was written there.

Dear Body,

I love you and like you exactly as you are today.  You are a vessel that gets me through my days and nights.  You carry my soul.  I love your smooth skin and your long limbs.  I love your hair and your eyes.  I love that you've adapted to suit all of my addictions.  When I ate too much, you stretched your skin for me, even though it left nasty marks.  When I got abstinent, you shed the excess weight as best as you could.  I love that you've carried me around for 37 years without much complaint.  I'm sorry for the abuse I put you through, both physical and mental.  I'm sorry for not listening to your cues in so many areas like hearing you say, "I'm full," or "We should rest," and completely ignoring you.  Thank you for not failing me even though by all rights, you probably should have.  Dear Body, please forgive me.

We only had about 15 minutes to write and this was the second part of what I wrote, so it's somewhat incomplete. I'll have to finish it one day.

My body has been telling me all week that I'm not getting enough sleep.  And I have been ignoring it - relentlessly.  I am so tired during the day and then get invigorated around 10pm every night.  Well, invigorated might be a strong word.  But, I get less sleepy around that time and end up staying up too late once again.  It's a vicious cycle.  I am really glad tomorrow is Friday and I'm going away on retreat because I know I'll have a chance to rest and catch up on my sleep. 

Beyond this weekend, though, I need to address this.  I need to get to bed earlier. I can't run myself down like this - it's not physically or mentally healthy. I've been noticing I haven't been taken my inner commitments as seriously as I used to.  I give myself leeway and permission to not do my step work or have quiet prayer and meditation time - in essence I make excuses, really.

I love that I'm noticing all these "great" things right before I go away - at least I know I won't have a lack of things to work on while I'm there. 

My leftover lunch is sitting here stinking up my office, and it reminded me to come post my food for the day.  For the record, I had leftovers because I packed too many Brussels sprouts in my container this morning in my haste to get out the door.

I've got my home group (for my eating disorders group) meeting tonight and we're having a business meeting afterwards.  I'm not looking forward to that simply because I will want to be at home on the couch, snuggled under a blanket in my PJs, watching TV.  Winter time sure does bring out the hermit in me.  I don't think I'm alone in that, though.

So, here's my food for today.  I decided I'm going to just post recipe titles for the things I've already posted ingredients for.  It's just easier for me. If you're curious what is in something I have listed, just leave a comment and I'd be happy to write the ingredients for you.

B: Peach tofu shake
L: 4 oz ground turkey, 1 C brown rice, 1 C peppers & onions, 1 C Brussels sprouts, 1 t oil
D: 8 oz baked tofu, 8 oz oven baked potato slices, 2 C raw veggies, 2 t oil
S: 6 oz apple, 1/2 C cottage cheese - baked with cinnamon on top

I go on ra spiritual etreat tomorrow night for the weekend.  Ive been looking forward to this for months because it is always just such a good time.  For some reason, I am not as excited about going this time.  I've been thinking about how much I'll miss my daily routine and family life.  I'm going to miss the puppy, the kids, the husband.  I miss the kids and the husband whenever we're apart, though, and I believe absence does make the heart grow fonder - so what is it about this time that is different?

I sure hope it's not because I'm getting set in my ways as I get older.  I think it's dangerous to get into any sort of set routine where life becomes monotonous and as I write this... I'm realizing how much this resembles my life lately.  I like having my little habits and ways that are oh-so-familiar to me.  Anything that breaks the cycle throws me off.  When did this happen? It had to be sometime within the fall and winter since we were still moving into the new house over the summer.  So, it's a recent development - that's good, I think.

It looks like retreat is coming just at the right time for me, whether I believe so or think I'm ready for it or not.

Yesterday was my birthday.  Some people were amazed that I didn't have any cake. This was my 5th year not having cake for my birthday.  The first couple of years were hard because I was so used to having it. The gift for me today is that I didn't even really think about cake yesterday and I certainly didn't miss not having it.  That is simply a miracle.  One of my employees shares my birthday, so we did get a cake for both of us and when the inevitable comments came about me not having any, I just said, "I've had enough cake to last a lifetime," because it's true. 

So here's what I did eat yesterday and today:

Tuesday

B: Pineapple Loaf
L: Abstinent Pizza, 1 t oil
D: 4 oz ground turkey, 2 C raw veggies, 8 oz oven baked sweet potato slices, 2 t oil
S: 6 oz baked apple and 1/2 C cottage cheese

Wednesday

B: Pineapple Loaf
L: Abstinent Pizza, 1 t oil
D: 8 oz sliced baked tofu, 2 C raw veggies, 8 oz oven baked sweet potato slices, 2 t oil
S: 1 C yogurt, 6 oz blueberries

So, I'm realizing I haven't done a lot with my 4th step this past week.  I'm supposed to be giving it away this weekend and I'm only about 1/2 way finished.  Gulp! Guess I need to get busy.

You know what's been holding me back? Perfectionism.  I had the first format to follow in an Excel spreadsheet so I could just easily type in all of the info in the right places.  For the second two sections, there is a slightly different format and I haven't taken the time to create the Excel template for it yet.  God forbid I actually handwrite any of this stuff. 

This weekend reinforced for me that alcoholism is a family disease.  I think the scariest part of it is that even if the alcoholic gets better, the family members don't always follow suit and they end up being sicker than the alcoholic in the end.

The thing that happens to the family members is so insidious, so cunning, that most people aren't aware that there is a problem.  There's a great analogy to illustrate what happens in an alcoholic home.  

If you put a frog into a pan of boiling water, it will jump out faster than the eye can see. But if you put the frog into a pan of water that is the frog's body temperature and then slowly turn up the heat the frog will stay in the water -- even to the point of boiling alive. Why? Because the frog does not notice the gradual change in temperature.

From About.com

I don't want to go into too many more details... but this is just a big reminder for me about how important it is to stay on the path of recovery.  My husband and I both are appreciating the power of recovery and the rewards it has brought to our household tonight.

I don't think a lot of my readers know what "doing a 4th step" entails, so as I was finishing up my questions in the Resentment Inventory portion of my 4th step, I thought I'd share with you the format I am following. Now you can get an idea of what a 4th step looks like.  It's gut-wrenching, soul-seeking, rigorously honest, hard work to figure out some of the details, but it is oh-so-worth-it in the end.

I heard something not long ago that is so true - anyone who is afraid to do a 4th and 5th step has obviously never done one.  I had a lot of fear surrounding my first 4th and 5th steps and I don't have that same fear today.  I know the goodness that lies on the other side and I'm looking forward to it.

The format I'm following right now is broken down into 3 sections:  Resentment Inventory, Fear Inventory and Sex Inventory.  I am just finishing up the first one - the Resentment Inventory.

Here is the format - it's basically a grid of four columns that goes across the top of a page and you get to fill it out like a survey for every person you have a resentment towards.  And if you're like me, you've got quite a list! Ha!  (Page numbers reference pages/paragraphs in the Big Book.)

Column One: I listed people, institutions and principles with whom I am angry. (64:3) I am resentful at: (This includes grudges,regrets, envy, prejudices, and those we’re annoyed with, agitated by, or that “let us down”.)

Column Two: I asked myself why I am angry? (64:3) The Cause. (Do not minimize here or be
“spiritual” or nice. Allow yourself to be as critical, as judgmental or as petty as you feel.)

Column Three: In most cases it was found that the following was hurt, threatened, or interfered with. 
    These are all sub-columns to put a check mark in: Affects my: Self Esteem, Pocketbook, Security, Ambitions, Pride, Personal Relations, Sex Relations.

Column Four: Putting out of my mind the wrongs others had done, I resolutely looked for my own mistakes. Though a situation had not been entirely my fault, I try to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where had I been selfish, dishonest (with myself and others), self-seeking and frightened? Where was I to blame? (67:2) Included here might also be: 1-What are the actions I took or failed to take in relation to this resentment which resulted in harms to others or my own failure to grow, to develop, and to become secure in my own person? 2-Am I failing to spot and check my tendency to provoke or create a victim situation, and what’s in it for me if I remain the victim? In other words,where did I put myself in a position to be hurt, and how was I trying to play God?

And here is a sample column entry so you get an idea:

Column One:  An extended family member

Column Two: For not taking more of an interest in my kids

Column Three: Check marks in these columns: Self Esteem, Pride, Personal Relations

Column Four: I have unrealistic expectations of what this type of family member should be doing and feeling. My expectations exceed their emotional limits and my judge and critic come out in a very bad way.

So you can see that it doesn't need to be elaborate or lengthy, although it certainly can be! My first 4th step was so wordy and long.  My poor sponsor - she had to listen to me ramble for hours and hours.  It's all good, though. 

And there you have it - a little glimpse into the steps!